Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust. ! Amy Farber!
Those were the words my dad said to me when I asked quite simply. What happens when you die?!
I was only three but still quite bluntly he repeated and I heard. Ashes to ashes dust to dust.!
From that moment until more recently I slept, although not peacefully, with the lights on somewhere close if not indeed literally. !
It took me some years to ask again, because quite frankly I had heard a different story.! Where I was assured there was a place that wasn’t here, with more glory!
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. He repeated.!
No Dad, I said. !
I knew I must.!
When you die you go to heaven isn’t that what you mean?!
I’m not clear really what you said.!
And I still remember to this day, the way he looked at me and led...! Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. When you must.....!
You go into the ground and the worms eat your rotting flesh instead.! Does that satisfy your lust?!
For theTruth.. is ashes to ashes, dust to dust !
Once again I say, From that day until just recently, I slept not well.!
With my eyes clearly focused on a light dimly. !
Shining bright outside my door sometimes even much more closely Just,!
Because the words went through my head like those worms.!
Ashes to ashes dust to dust. They eat you if you must.!
When I was Twenty, My mother and I sat playfully trying on wigs, laughing. Having a ball actually. ! Later that day my dad took me for a walk around our block and quietly said to me. !
You must not think that this is a game.!
Your mother has cancer, she most likely will die so don’t be fooled by that fake mane. ! And boldly I said.!
Your wrong you’ll see, I feel it and so does she.!
And even if you think IM wrong , really. !
maybe for once you should keep that opinion in your mind and not speak so freely.!
Many years later while waiting for yet another psychic to proclaim to my mom she would still live long and happily.!
I asked my Dad finally.!
Do you remember when I asked you about heaven?!
Ashes to ashes dust to dust.!
He interrupted me.!
As my mother stared at him in shock. !
Their eyes meeting in a deadlock!
What he said next, at least I am not !
what some people might call a hypocrite.!
Then my mother quite simply said!
Why didn’t you ever ask me?!
I believe in heaven, I do not see where that will sit!
on the pile of hypocrisy, your dad is just a shit. !
Yet to this day, they both live that famous verse together!
Do NOT go gently into that good night!
But, That is when I learned and felt.!
Through the twist and turn of one awkward conversation I knew!
That life can change forever bad or good based on who you ask !
And what you believe is true. !
What choice you make, what heart you break. It’s just chance not fate nor faith.!
What you choose to focus on what you choose to hear. ! A random question answered carelessly. !
Based on things that happened quite devestatingly.!
My father turned motherless at nineteen. My father already a man. !
At school for three years straight, no break. !
His choice to come home glumly and sit with his dad for awhile and mourn,! But too late.!
Six months before he was torn, Off to med school too young.!
Yes, only nineteen, yet still he had to walk away from pain to pathology.! Honestly and truthfully.!
Are words spoken quite freely.!
Ashes to ashes dust to dust.!
A mother lost without much fuss. A broken hearted child set free. !
To think of life so minimally. To choose to study death scientifically!
To cut cadavers with Kivorkian for extra coin conspicously!
My father thrown in with the blood-lust wolves as a child.!
As an adult speaking only once of his mother to me. !
To say that I looked just like her really. !
His fear that day when he told me my mom might die, I see.Finally. !
To feel his pain so early, he could not bear the shock repeat on me. !
And that is why......!
What god would take away a mom?!
It is easier to beilieve, !
when you must......!
Ashes to ashes dust to dust.